Real Life.

*** I wrote and published this post before Bo was born. I am not sure how it got republished and moved to the front. So here it stays because I don't know how to move it back. So fret not I won't be re posting all my mediocre deep thoughts. 

So tonight as Jordan and I were driving Madilyn to sleep(yes, every couple of night we still have to drive her to sleep) we were talking about my concerns and worries about having a new baby and her to take care of and how to prepare. The truth is I cried every single day for two weeks when Madilyn was born. As soon as the semester started up again things seemed to get LOTS better, I still had weak moments but 8 out of 10 times things were ok. Then we graduated, moved across the country, left my friends and family, and I started staying home full time. And it was tough. i cried even more. We also were living with Jordan's dad in a small apartment waiting to find/close on a house, sharing a room with her, sleeping on an air mattress and Jordan was working 70+ hours most weeks. Because I lived in fear of Madilyn waking up Jordan's dad, or even Jordan, I began hoping out of bed the second she made any noise at all. This created a monster. She went from being the best little sleeper to not sleeping longer than 45 minutes without wanting to nurse again and be rocked. I also did not have a car, so we never really got out of the house during the day. Jordan is really the only one who knew how hard it was on me, I never told any of my friends or family how much I was struggling. Why? Because I was ashamed. How many of us look at our friend's blogs, facebooks, or instagram and think "wow, how does she find time to do that" or "look at her kids and house, it's clean and they are dressed." "How does she come up with so many fun things for a baby to do"?
Well I am here to be more real from now on. I am not here to whine and complain but here just to be honest, I don't want anyone thinking I am all together all the time, because for me it does me no good to see other moms ( and by see I mean read their blogs and look at their Instagram pictures) never having a hard moment. I hope I am always improving and becoming more of the mother and wife Heavenly Father wants me to be, but I also no longer want to live being ashamed when I am not the mother Pinterest says I should be. Madilyn is very loved and is growing an learning everyday. And she and her soon to be brother always will, even if I don't get out of bed until she wakes up, if most days getting dressed means putting on black workout pants and a track shirt from high school, we don't do super cute crafts and art project that help with 7 different motor skills and sensory development, and yes there are days when she throws a fit and I can't seem to do anything right so we watch Mickey Mouse club house. Oh and one load of laundry usually takes 4 days from start to finish by the time it actually gets put away. The fact is that for me, being a stay at home mom is often mundane and lonely. I love being a mom, and madilyn brings me more joy then I ever thought possible, but there are a lot of diapers to change and toys to be picked up in between those moments of intense joy. I want to learn to be satisfied with that though. I want to become humble enough that at the end of the day I can sleep soundly knowing that even if pants never made it on her bum that day that we still lived the Gospel in our home that day. Prayers were said, scriptures were read, and I tried my best to teach her little mind right from wrong. Yes, it's great to have the extra on some days, but from now on I am going to try to let my satisfaction fall on knowing I am teaching my children to walk in truth. Being a mom is hard. Lets lift each other, not try to show each other up.